Yesterday, I found myself driving just north of San Francisco on the way to visit my old friend, Rachael, someone I love dearly but don’t see nearly as often as I’d like. After catching up for a few hours, Peter, her 17-year-old grandson, and Dana, her 64-year-old friend, happened by. With the gang all there, tummies growling, we happily headed out for dinner.
Just as the salads arrived, the subject of love came up. Peter had just broken up with a girl, their entire “relationship” lasting less than two weeks. His friends warned him that their dating seemed to start too fast. He agreed, sagely noting that a flame which burns twice as bright lasts half as long.
Huh, I thought. Common wisdom to the rescue! His expression seemed to aptly make sense of his dating experience.
But, given his perspective, what then is the next logical step? If passionate love doesn’t last, then is the key to lasting love to choose a dull relationship?
Dana piped in that she wasn’t even looking for a relationship; she didn’t need the drama. Everyone’s head began nodding like bobble heads during a San Francisco earthquake. Drama, they all agreed, is a natural part of any relationship.
Dana’s approach to love was more chance than choice. She explained how she had compromised herself so much in her marriage she didn’t know who she was when it ended, and she was not interested in a repeat showing.
While she thought it would be great if she found an awesome love, she had little hope and she wasn’t going to put any energy into making it happen.
It was sad for me to hear that she believed a “drama free” relationship – one where should wouldn’t have to compromise herself – was impossible.
Peter chimed in that he wanted another girlfriend, but she’d have to be really smart – he couldn’t imagine being with someone he couldn’t relate to intellectually.
He continued by saying that he understood that there would be things he didn’t like about any future girlfriend. He knew that any girl would occasionally irritate and annoy him. But he also knew that if the good was much better than the bad, then the irritation could be minimized and from there they could build a workable relationship.
Astoundingly – at 17 years old – he was already conditioned into typical relationship thinking:
After dinner, I spoke with Rachael and remarked about how Peter was already programmed to believe that any relationship would inherently contain friction and require compromise. She said that she thought his views were not as much a well-formed opinion as it was him parroting what he’s heard from the adults around him.
And that, my friends, is how paradigms start: Insidiously.
A paradigm is formed we take in the experiences and opinions of others and repeat them to ourselves until they become beliefs. Then, we begin to make choices based on those beliefs and, in doing so, turn them into self-fulfilling prophecies.
It is this process of hearing-believing-doing that primes us to select relationships that are almost certainly destined to fail:
- We hear that all relationships have irritation and difficulties, and we believe what we hear.
- Because we believe that relationships all have irritation and difficulties, when we start searching for someone, we are much more likely to accept a relationship that has irritation and difficulties.
- Later, when the relationship fails, the failure makes us certain that all relationships must be this way.
At the end of this insidious cycle, in our mind, the self-fulfilling prophecy morphs into an experiential fact: What started out as someone else’s less than desirable experience – or mere opinion – is turned into hard fact because we made choices based on their opinion which produced the same outcome they experienced.
Thus the paradigm is set and the cycle of hearing-believing-doing repeats itself leading you into failed relationship after failed relationship.
But what if….
What would happen if your pre-programmed beliefs changed?
What if not all relationships are irritating and difficult?
What if there are some relationships that are easy, harmonious, and super connected?
What if you could find a love that doesn’t have strife or discord?
Is finding that type of love possible?
All you need to do to break the cycle is to start dating with a different set of opinions and beliefs.
About Troy and Judy
Using this experience, Troy went on to develop the The Dating for True Love System which he used to find Judy – and, boy, did it work! When they met, their connection and shared affinity was so strong that they fell in love on the first date and were engaged in two months. Together now for seven years, they share a natural type of love which comes without the usual fiction and work.
They don’t have a relationship; they have a Loveship.
Judy’s email box is always open! She enthusiastically encourages you to reach out with your questions or comments. firstname.lastname@example.org.