Should you date a bad boy? Well, according to a recent Huffington Post article by Brynn Andre, you might be surprised about how dating a baddie realigns your relationship expectations and opens you up for a better, more balanced view of relationships. The big surprise is that you might find that the bad boy is really the right boy.
Let me begin by saying that what follows is not a comment on Ms. Andre’s relationship. Even though TroyTalks centers on the Mirror Effect and mirroring, the Mirror Relationship is not the only possible type of relationship. At the end of the day, the only thing that really matters is whether a relationship genuinely works for a couple and whether it will endure. She seems very happy in her relationship and I think that’s fabulous!
Rather, what I mean to examine here is whether you should follow her example as you search for your Mr. or Mrs. Right. Does the path she suggests promise to deliver a superlative relationship?
Let’s dig deep and see what we find!
I’ll admit I’ve dated my share of bad boys and wrong-fits. After I had a heartsplitting breakup with who I thought was Mr. Right and husband material, I was in no mood to get in deep with anyone too soon.
One night, I stumbled across my Mr. Big. He looked a bit like notorious bad boy John Mayer… coincidence? Or a fair warning to hit the road?
Sitting next to him we watched a fight break out across the bar. I said something clever and things set sail from there.
I could see the wrongness from a mile away. I had the good sense to push away the first night we met.
Her three reasons for dating the Bad Boy go something like this:
Reason #1: She discarded her expectations because she believed would eventually hurt her, which then made his later romantic gestures have a bigger impact. She said the expectation reset resulted in her experiencing more butterflies.
Reason #2: She said dating Mr. Badboy made her a better girlfriend because she was able to ditch her Disney-fantasy princess romantic notions, forcing her to get down to a real world view of relationships. She realized that she was being unfair to men because of her fairy tale notions and that dating the bad boy helped her see where she was being unfair.
Reason #3: She took responsibility for her relationship mistakes and dropped her notions of what a perfect relationship should be, and in doing so discovered the best relationship she has ever had. Beyond her notions she found that he was steadfast, confident, and respectful of her talents and intelligence.
She ends with:
So before you write off someone who doesn’t seem like your “type,” maybe stick around for a bit.
The first rule of examining relationships is that you can never truly see inside someone else’s relationship. You never actually know whether it’s a great relationship, or whether the relationship has a bit of friction (or more). At this point, we’ll have to take her word that her relationship is solid. We also know don’t her reference for a good relationship. Maybe her ‘relationship beyond her best dreams’ might be just so-so to someone else. Again, just concepts to keep in mind.
Time to analyze the individual components and see what we come up with.
There a lot of good points in those reasons. Taking responsibility for your actions is always a good thing. Discarding unrealistic expectations can also be a good thing (just as long as the remaining expectations aren’t so low that they lead you to accept way less than you should from your partner). So definitely some great personal characteristics happening here.
What about her notions of the dating process? Let’s examine the individual dating and relationship elements to see if there is something in this article worth following.
What is dating and relationship target? What are the ultimate goals or outcomes of the relationship?
In her description are the words: patient, respectful, faithful, confident, not-competing with your partner, a type of enduring passion, surprise and priceless. These all seem like excellent attributes for describing a good relationship. The pairing between the partners seems to bring out the best in each of the partners. So far, so good!
What about the process used to arrive at the relationship target? What steps were taken to find this relationship?
This is where the concept of using the bad-boy-dating-process gets a little scary. They meet in a bar. The words she used, which help describe portions of the process, included: wrongness, infatuation, attractive, throwing out expectations, romance, butterflies, sparks.
First, she doesn’t employ any type of filter to determine whether she should even be on a first date with Mr. Badboy. Without some type of filtering, she has no way to know whether she and her date are in any way aligned. Not filtering for alignment before a date results in loads of bad dates. Yuck!
Second, she doesn’t have a defined dating process–no steps to know if she is on a path to finding a superb relationship. Without steps as a guide, the relationship just goes wherever it wants. There are no checkpoints along the way to ensure that the relationship is headed in the right direction.
A lack of filtering and process makes you a passenger on the trip to finding love–you put Mr. Luck in the driver’s seat, just hoping that his GPS will deliver you to your dream relationship. More than likely, this in-the-wild road trip will left turn at the relationships-are-work-bayou, then plow straight into the 50% divorce swamp. Does mosquito repellent work on divorce lawyers too?
Third, words like infatuation, attractive, wrongness, and sparks are all characteristics of high-energy chemistry. Chemistry has the effect of numbing a couple to their mismatches. Later, when the chemistry inevitably wanes, the couple is left with love’s embers and their mismatches. That’s the all-to-typical formula for eventual friction and unhappiness.
Last, the ideas ‘sticking around for a bit’ and ‘not your type’ seem like dangerous first steps towards the 3As: accepting, appreciating and adapting. We TroyTalked about this recipe for disaster in a previous posting.
What phases did the dating and relationship go through?
There isn’t enough in article to comment on the relationship’s progression. Did they meet, focus on what matched, and then learn to adapt to their differences? If so, then they will likely complete the typical progression by marrying, discovering their mismatches outweigh their matches, and end in divorce. To her great credit, she is definitely measuring at least some elements of their pairing. She talks about steadfastness, not competing, mutual respect. These are some of the ways a relationship can be measured. Big cudos to her for being aware and measuring!
So, again, the big question is: Should you go out tonight, find a bad boy, and see if dating the baddie works to find you The One?
I believe it’s a bad idea.
How about if you pass on Mr. Badboy? Instead, I suggest you use a relationship framework that leads to deep love and a process that has 6 tangible Steps to get you there!
Why It All Fails – In A Single Diagram!
This single diagram shows why the traditional dating and relationship path shows why online dating fails, why you have bad first dates and even shows the fatal flaw in the traditional relationship. See the diagram here!
After divorcing from a 22 year traditional relationship of compromise, friction, and work, Troy discovered the Mirror Effect on a first date. The discovery had such a profound impact that it completely changed his views on dating and relationships.
Using the Mirror Effect, when Troy found Judy, their connection was so strong that they fell in love on their first date and were engaged in two months. Together now for five years, they share a deep love relationship of ease and harmony without the work.
Together with Team MM, Troy and Judy work to put people on a path to deep love that doesn’t lead to a 50% divorce rate. Their book, The Mirror Effect: More Than Soul Mates (6 Steps To Finding Your Magical Match Using Online Dating) rebuilds dating and relationships from the ground up to provide a dating and relationship progression that results in the deep, harmonious, frictionless relationships that people are looking for today. Their online dating and relationship website, Magical Matches, is designed to fully integrate the Mirror Effect and the 6 Steps.
Troy’s email box is always open! He enthusiastically encourages you to reach out with your questions or comments. firstname.lastname@example.org.